Is It Ok to Pretend That All Is Well When Your Friend Knows You Have Had Therapy
Toxic positivity is the assumption that despite a person's emotional pain and turmoil, they should just have a positive mindset.
- When nosotros pretend that emotional hurting doesn't exist, we send a bulletin to our brain that whatever the emotion is, it is in some manner bad or dangerous. If our encephalon believes nosotros are in a dangerous situation, our torso will respond every bit such.
- By overdoing positive affirmations, nosotros may exist invalidating our or others' feelings and harming them when they are already in a vulnerable state.
- The best manner to deal with negative emotions is to let yourself feel the emotions y'all're feeling and let them pass, not push them nether the rug.
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It was a regular weekday dorsum in Baronial. By this time, my family and I had somewhat gotten used to working from home, but things still didn't seem "settled." Nosotros were struggling with managing meals, work, online schooling, keeping the kid busy indoors, and our own emotional well-beings. Equally if this wasn't enough, I got a telephone call from my female parent breaking the news that both of my parents had tested positive for Covid.
My female parent seemed undisturbed as she explained the situation. I sensed that, rather than talking to me about her feelings, she was trying to console me. We live 400 miles abroad from each other. The lockdown was still in place and I couldn't have reached them if I tried. She hung upwardly, saying, "It volition all be well. Don't worry."
My world had but collapsed. My begetter has underlying health weather condition and, with both of them being ill, I did worry. How would they get the intendance they needed to recover? How could I not feel despair? I spent the 24-hour interval reaching out to relatives in their surface area and making frantic calls to friends who wouldn't mind listening to my deepest anxieties. I was met with pep talks and positive affirmations:
- "Simply try to put positive energy into the world."
- "Focus on the good things in your life."
- "It could be so much worse — exist grateful."
- "This too shall pass."
One response stood out: "It's okay to feel this style right now. It's your parents."
When I heard that, I could finally take a breath. I needed to know that it was okay to feel how I was feeling in the moment — rather than bury my emotions and pretend they didn't exist.
Information technology took my folks 28 days to test negative. I was mentally, physically, and emotionally drained. And still, the simply person I didn't hide my true state from was the friend who didn't see my negative emotions as inherently bad. With anybody else, I put up a poker face and said I was doing fine.
One nighttime while trying to articulate my listen with some brainless Netflix scanning, I came across a Korean drama, Information technology's Okay to Non Exist Okay. The title brought me dorsum to those stressful weeks — all that pretending. Why was anybody trying to hand me a lollipop when all I wanted was a loving cup of chamomile tea? What is with all these "sending sunshine your way" and "positive vibes merely" messages?
I Googled it.
That'due south when I came beyond the term toxic positivity. Dr. Jaime Zuckerman, a licensed clinical psychologist and trained cognitive behavior therapist, describes information technology equally, "the assumption, either past one's self or others, that despite a person'due south emotional pain or difficult situation, they should only accept a positive mindset or — my pet peeve term — 'positive vibes.'"
Dr. Zuckerman is currently in private practice outside Philadelphia. She specializes in the treatment of adults with mood disorders and anxiety. She helps her patients develop salubrious boundaries in their relationships and focuses heavily on the negative impact toxic positivity has on patients' lives, particularly since the onset of Covid. She highlighted some interesting facts about toxic positivity and how we must let ourselves and others feel the emotions we're feeling in the moment. I reached out to her to learn more about toxic positivity and why it's bad.
Here is what I learned.
Toxic positivity non but invalidates your emotional state, but besides increases secondary emotions.
According to Dr Zuckerman, "The inherent problem with this concept is that nosotros assume that if a person is non in a positive mood (or whatever we think a positive person should look or human action like), then they are somehow incorrect, bad, or inadequate. The trouble is that, when we invalidate someone else'southward emotional state — or in this example, when we tell someone that feeling deplorable, angry, or any emotion that we consider 'negative' is bad — we end up eliciting secondary emotions inside of them like shame, guilt, and embarrassment."
In and then many words, we are saying to them that they should experience ashamed of being sad or that they should experience embarrassed for beingness afraid. "Efforts to avoid, ignore or suppress emotions that are appropriate to context tin can isolate someone in their time of need, thereby perpetuating the stigma that mental health issues equate to weak-mindedness," Dr. Zuckerman explained.
It really is OKAY to not be okay.
"Not only is it okay to not feel 'okay,' it is essential. An abnormal emotional response to an abnormal situation IS normal. We cannot simply option the emotions nosotros desire to have. Information technology merely does not work that style," Dr. Zuckerman said. So feeling sad and scared about my parents subsequently they contracted Covid was normal. Crying subsequently you get into a fight with your partner is as well normal, as is feeling anxious and scared nearly an uncertain future. When nosotros think we might lose something we care about, that'due south distressing. When we don't know what to expect next, that's scary. We should allow ourselves, and other people in our lives, feel these things as they come up — which may be more usual right now.
Dr. Zuckerman noted, "Assuasive yourself not to feel ok involves accepting all feelings, thoughts, or sensations, and sitting with them until they pass. If you endeavour to avert, suppress, or ignore them, they will only grow stronger and leave y'all overwhelmed and believing that you lot cannot cope."
Remember that no emotion is permanent. Acrimony and sadness, only like happiness and joy, come and become. Nosotros need to let ourselves experience painful feelings if we ever want to truly let them pass through us.
By hiding your discomfort, you're only adding fuel to fire.
"The more we avoid internal discomfort, the more isolated we can go, the more anxious we can get, and the more depressed we tin feel," Dr. Zuckerman told me. We need to not only experience, just also acknowledge our legitimate emotional responses to situations. Efforts to avoid or ignore them can isolate us during times of need and perpetuate the stigma that mental wellness issues equate to weak-mindedness.
"When we pretend that emotional hurting doesn't be," she explained, "we send a message to our brain that whatever the emotion is, information technology is in some manner bad or dangerous. If our encephalon believes we are in a dangerous situation, our body volition respond equally such. For example, we may experience rapid heartbeat, shallow breathing, and a natural need to unnecessarily avert the misperceived dangerous state of affairs. When nosotros avert any kind of emotional discomfort, even physical pain, we end up unintentionally making those feelings larger, louder, and more overwhelming. If you don't confront or procedure emotions in an effective and timely style, the scientific discipline shows that information technology tin can lead to a myriad of psychological difficulties including disrupted sleep, increased substance corruption, risk of an astute stress response, anxiety, depression, and even postal service traumatic stress disorder."
There is a better style to accost emotions.
If you're still non convinced that being likewise positive can exist toxic, consider its impact on the people y'all care most (including yourself): You lot may experience you're being supportive by sending positive affirmations to a friend who is going through a hard fourth dimension, simply in reality, you may exist invalidating their feelings and harming them when they are already in a vulnerable land. Your positive affirmations create the idea that your friend is in some style incapable of handling their feelings. You may also be unintentionally gaslighting them by signaling that there isn't really a problem at hand. Toxic positivity tasks the person in demand with faking an emotional response that is totally disproportionate to what they are actually experiencing.
When yous're lending an ear to someone in distress, have a positive mindset, but offer them a pep talk unless they enquire for it. Dr. Zuckerman suggests avoiding phrases similar:
Positive vibes simply!
It could be worse.
Just smile, terminate worrying!
What'due south there to weep about? It'll be fine.
You have and so much going for you lot; how can you be upset?
Get over it.
Instead, she suggests using phrases that affirm the other persons feelings and lets them know y'all are hither to back up them without expectation:
It is okay to non feel okay right now.
Y'all should feel whatever emotions you want to feel.
Take your time. I am with you and I'm listening.
You're allowed to experience this style. Your feelings are valid.
Feel your feelings. Sit with them. Allow them pass. And let others ride the moving ridge of whatsoever emotions they're feeling too. It's okay.
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Source: https://hbr.org/2020/11/its-okay-to-not-be-okay
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